He Would Have Been Three

He was due October 1, 2005. He arrived way too early for my plans on May 6, 2005 at about 20 weeks. But he was just on time for God's perfect plan. He was 8 1/2 inches long, weighed 10 ounces and was fully a little boy. I remember vividly that he even had the shape of his daddy's mouth.


Never had I been through so rough a journey. I was sad. I was mad. This was the first pregnancy I had without the aid of fertility drugs. Why give a gift if you're just going to abruptly snatch it back? I was mad at God, even to the point of wanting to turn my back on Him. I'm so glad He didn't turn His back on me.


My hard journey only served to highlight the contrast between the light and the darkness. God brought me through to the other side of grief where I am sincerely joyful for my son. God has brought me to a place where all that I truly want is to be where He wants me, doing whatever He wants me to do.


One of the things that I'm obedient in (finally!) is writing. I submitted my very first devotional to Proverbs 31 Ministries and it was accepted! Exciting, but humbling! But I know I'm being obedient to his call.

1 Peter 4.11 If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

A couple of resources that were extremely helpful in setting my mind on the eternal during my journey of grief were the books Through a Season of Grief by my friend Kathy Leonard, also a former North Waker and Heaven by Randy Alcorn. Through Mr. Alcorn's research of scripture, he was able to paint a picture that helped me know that Jonathan is truly in a better place.

He would have been three, though, and I still miss him.


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From There to Here

Whoa! What happened? How did we get from there to here? And in such a rush? That's what I think when I see my first-born, Sarah, who did look like this just yesterday morning when she was 19 months old.....

We woke up this morning and found out she's been 19 years old since May.....

She's traded in her blue hoodie for blue hair.....look carefully, it's there. She's got style despite the fact that she was homeschooled! The hair changes are frequent since she is employed at Douglas Carroll Salon after completion of her cosmetology program.

Hair is not the only thing that's changed as Sarah has grown up. She doesn't suck her thumb anymore.

But she does still have her blankie....the comforter I made from white eyelet fabric to complete a handmade crib set so I'd have it for all my children. Sarah latched on and carried that big, bulky blankie everywhere, even to the blueberry fields. She carried it to Belarus on a three week trip when she was 15. It is now in shreds but she still sleeps with it. None of my other children ever used it.

The blankie is not the only constant in Sarah. I so admire her ability to hold her tongue, even when others, including her mother, don't hold theirs. She is a quick thinker, so I know she could retort in a flash. But she doesn't. That makes it easier in some ways for a mom raising a daughter, especially through the teenage years. But it sure does challenge a mom when the daughter is doing a better job than she.

Proverbs 15.1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Dear God, I thank you for Sarah's ability to answer softly and sometimes not answer at all, and I thank you that our journey from there to here has been such a pleasant one. May all her days be blessed, and may she continue to be a picture of your grace.